Otalia drabbles - What Now? #3

[calliopes_muse]

Title: What Now?

Fandom: Otalia

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: Not mine, they belong to CBS.

Spoilers: YES for next week's upcoming episodes.

A/N: I don't know how many of these I'm going to do, but we'll see where it takes me.  Forgive me, it's kind of jumping around right now, and I'm changing POV's in each part.  If I was going to do this in any sort of rational order, this would be a regular fic, not a bunch of miscellaneous drabbles.  Oh, and more angst...sorry!

 

Part 3

 

The grass around the stone monument was just starting to poke through the thaw of the snow. Life was starting again. Ironic that it would even come back in a graveyard. It’s more ironic on a day of new beginnings that I’m comforting myself here where life ends. It feels like mine’s over. It feels like I’m crawling into the dark, dank earth with Gus and curling up waiting for this to all be over.

 

I gave it all. I gave all the love I had in me, just like Sister Ann told me to do, but I feel emptier than ever. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I wasn’t supposed to fall for her. Instead of the love I should feel, a darkness seeps into my blood, making it boil. If I could I’d bury my hands in the ground and drag Gus up out of that grave and tell both him and Natalia to never darken my life again. It was because of him…and me, that Natalia is even here now. What would have been had I not made a play for him? Would I even be standing here now? Would Emma and I ever ended up in the farmhouse? So many what if’s.

 

The soft crunch of footsteps on ice barely registers, until I feel her hand on my elbow. I close my eyes at the soft touch, accepting this small token of friendship, tucking it away for those moments I’ll need them when this nightmare is over. One day I’ll walk Emma down an aisle much like this one day and remember this moment, this gentle touch.

 

She looks at me, the dark circles under her eyes telling me that she’s suffering too. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. If I hurt, that’s fine by me. I have survived pain and loss before, I can do it again. But you…this wasn’t supposed to happen to you. With renewed conviction I tell myself that I have to end this for both of us. If I don’t tell her, I can’t let go and if I can’t let go, she’ll never be free. If I don’t let her go, I’ll always be the albatross around her neck. The burden she’s unknowingly sharing against her will. If I can’t do this, if I can’t truly let her go, then I can’t say that I ever really loved her.

 

I take her hand in mine, feeling the warmth of her skin even as the late winter chill thaws my heart a little more. She does that to me. Breaks down my walls, softens me. I’ve been weak from the moment I called her and told her “I need you.” That needs grown stronger over time, and when I kissed her, I knew I had changed the path of our lives forever. Just like now, with the words I was going to say, I was shifting the path we were on, this uncertain road with a fork looming ahead. One path clear and unencumbered for her, the one that leads into the forest for me.

 

Tears sting my eyes, again. It seems I’m always crying these days or holding back the pain somehow. She’s concerned and tries to get me to sit on a bench nearby. I refuse and take her hands firmly in mine.

 

“This…this right here is why you deserve so much better than me. You’re good and kind and you worry about others always before yourself. You’re the complete opposite of everything I’ve ever been and probably ever will be.”

 

She shakes her head, sounding exasperated, “What…what are you talking about Olivia?”

 

I close my eyes, gathering my nerve, “You’ve given me the greatest gift - your friendship and your love. You’ve given it unselfishly and in doing that you taught me what it meant to love another completely. You opened my heart, and taught it to beat again. This love has astounded me, thrown me for a loop, frightened me beyond belief, but you hold steady in the storm. Always faithful.” I bowed my head and I could see my own hands shaking as they held hers, “Natalia, somewhere along the way, you stopped being just a friend and roommate and became the woman I fell in love with.”

 

She closes her eyes and I can see her sway. She pulls her hands away, and my world crashes down. She turns away, covering her mouth and then her eyes.  For about ten seconds, I can’t breathe as I wait for her to say or do something. I knew this would happen, but it had to be done so she understood the gravity of the situation, why it was so important that she follow through. When she turned, the resolve and determination that I had seen before, when we’d argue and fight, battled with the tears in her eyes.

 

“And you’re telling me this now? As I’m about to get married? Why?” The question was spoken on an angry whisper.

 

“It doesn’t matter why. Come on,” I try to shuffle her back to the church.

 

“No, we need to talk about this.”

 

“Look, you need to understand that what’s in that church right now, I can’t give you. I want to. God knows, I want to, but I can’t. You want to be happy? You want your ideal? Well, it’s right there,” the anger builds up in me, not at her, but the situation. “Now, there’s nothing to talk about, not anymore.” I turn from her, determined to cut the cord quickly, and practically sprint back to the church.

Comments

[uselessmarks.livejournal.com]

Super duper angst = Yay!

Gah, I can't wait until next week. It needs to hurry up and get here!

[ceridwyn2.livejournal.com]

Lovely story. Is it Monday yet? I can hardly wait. The angst is going to have us all dead.

[karjens40.livejournal.com]

Oh my. If this is truly what happens I'm not sure I'll be able to watch. Heartwrenching. This was just so moving and her thoughts while looking at Gus's grave..ouch. I liked your reference to her calling Natalia and saying I need you. That always gets me when I see it. Wonderful wonderful story.

[akasarahsmom.livejournal.com]

I agree.. I've always loved the scene where Olivia says "I need you." and Natalia just drops Everything and goes to Olivia... that is so lovely..

Nice story.

[witchlesbian.livejournal.com]

Bring on the angst...I'll face it head on! I bet you're not too far off...I recongnized the line that Crystal said she delivers...now I want to see her eyes, her mouth, the expression on her face, and the energy surounding her being when she say's it! This is going to be rich!

[revolos55.livejournal.com]

It wasn’t supposed to be that way. If I hurt, that’s fine by me. I have survived pain and loss before, I can do it again. But you…this wasn’t supposed to happen to you. - Awww :(

Love Olivia's speech to Natalia.