Xena crack!fic - Politics Xena-style

[calliopes_muse]

Title: Politics – Xena style

Fandom: Xena

Pairing: None really.

Rating: PG-13 for language.

A/N: This is a parody on American politics. With the election only a couple of weeks away, it seemed a good time for this.

A/N2: This came about because of some comments I’ve been hearing on other forums comparing Palin to Xena. Personally, I don’t get it, but I thought “What the hell?! What happens if I play with that idea a bit.” This was the result.  Suddenly, I had this huge cast and tons of ideas, but right now, I'm sick of politics so this is the abridged version.

Warning: If you are sensitive to political snarkiness, you may want to avoid this. I’m not nice to really either party, but by nature, I take more digs at one than the other. I’m forewarning you now. If you can’t take a joke, please don’t read.

 

 

Xena glanced over Gabrielle’s shoulder, trying to read the scroll sent by courier to their remote location.

 

“What’s that big word there?”

 

“President.”

 

Xena furrowed her brow, “What does president mean?”

 

Gabrielle let out a long-suffering sigh at her companion, rubbing the space between her eyes, “Apparently, it’s the person in charge of this city-state. They’re having problems resolving some issues so they’re having something called an election where the people vote on who they want to run the country.”

 

“Oh,” Xena paused, confused, “I guess there’s not a rich or powerful person to just take over.”

 

“They have something called a democracy, so they don’t fight to resolve their problems.”

 

Xena shrugged, “Always worked for me!”

 

Gabrielle shook her head, “Come on, let’s go and see if we can help.”

 

Two days later the pair arrived at the gates of Amerilos. Xena went through the ritual of stabling Argo, while Gabrielle found shelter and food. Gabrielle strolled to the center of the town, noticing instantly all of the banners and posters that seemed to cover every wall. Stepping closer, she read the parchment, “Vote for real change! Vote Hercules/Iolaus in ‘8.” 

 

“Whoa! Wait ‘til I tell Xena about this!”

 

Gabrielle found a corner table at the tavern and listened closely to the surrounding discussions. This election thing was apparently the talk of the town.

 

Two men stood next to her in a heated argument about property taxes. One didn’t seem to like his hard-earned money going to help rebuild a bridge in the poor part of town.

 

“Better than a bridge to nowhere!” The other man bellowed back.

 

“It’s not going to nowhere, you idiot! It’s supposed to connect us to Corinth, making us a hub of commerce and industry. But, you…you,” he poked the other man hard in the chest, “want to give it to those lazy, no-good-for-nothings mooching off us taxpayers.”

 

The poke had pushed the man off balance and into Gabrielle’s table, making her jump to her feet. At that same moment, Xena walked in and swiftly grabbed up both men by the necks.

 

“What’s the problem here, boys?” The two men were speechless, not only because of the fingers wrapped around their throats, but the fabulous view of ample cleavage. Gabrielle jumped in.

 

“Put them down, Xena. They’re just having a heated debate that has something to do with this election.”

 

The warrior leaned down into the men’s faces, “So, what’s the issue?”

 

Both men were dumbstruck as they got a better view of Xena’s cleavage until they came back to their senses at the same time, each pointing at the other, and babbling meaningless jibberish.

 

Xena shut them up by putting the pinch on both at the same time, standing up, she looked at her blonde friend, “Gabrielle?”

 

She pointed at the man closest to her, “He wants to use taxpayer money to rebuild a local bridge. The other one wants a bridge to be built to Corinth instead.”

 

Xena shrugged, “Corinth is a major commerce city. It would bring a lot of money into the city. Makes sense.”

 

Gabrielle looked at her incredulously, “But the other bridge is for the citizens of this country to use to get from one place to another?”

 

Xena took the pinch off the men, who were both writhing in agony, just in time, “Is that true?”

 

The more outspoken one, gasped, “Yes, but it’s only to benefit the poorest part of our country and they only weigh us down. They provide no benefit to our country.”

 

“I can’t believe you just said that, Borus! Your cousin lives there!”

 

“Yeah, and he’s a loser!”

 

The men started to go at each other again before Xena simultaneously punched both out.

 

“Oh, that’s a great first impression, Xena! Why do you always resort to force?”

 

Xena shrugged, “It works.”

 

“So what are we going to do about this?”

 

“There’s nothing to do, Gabrielle. You heard the guy. The bridge to Corinth will bring in lots of money to Amerilos.”

 

Gabrielle crossed her arms in defiance, “You agree with him then?”

 

“Gabrielle,” she looked at her like what was coming was the most obvious thing in the world, “It’s for the Greater Good.”

 

At that moment, Hercules and Iolaus entered with a cheering entourage. They shook hands and kissed babies, taking stage and giving each other a fist bump.

 

“Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you something,” Xena narrowed her eyes at Gabrielle.

 

Suddenly Ares and Joxer come barreling through the door. Ares leaps up on the stage and nudges Hercules to the side, “Step aside, Junior!”

 

Joxer grabs Ares hand and throws it in the air in a sign of victory. Wild cheering ensues, while a hag in the back tosses her bra at Ares, “Pick me, pick me!” Joxer waves his hands at the crowd, urging them to quiet down.

 

“Yes, my dear lady, you have heard right. As President of Amerilos, I have chosen Ares as the nominee of our party and he is in search of a running mate.” Out of the blue, Ares looks adoringly at Joxer and wraps his arms around his waist, practically nuzzling his neck.

 

Xena looked kind of green. She leaned over to Gabrielle, “How much nutbread did you slip me last night?”

 

“Um, not THAT much!” Gabrielle’s mouth was openly gaping at the display in front of her.

 

“Maybe it’s some bizarre alternate universe.”

 

“I have no idea, but this is TOO weird! Joxer runs this place? He can’t tell the difference between his ass and a bowl of venison stew!”

 

On the stage, Ares finally broke his hold on Joxer, “This man has earned our admiration, and our love. For that, I proudly accept the nomination for the party.”

 

Joxer patted Ares on the head, “Yeah, yeah, I love ya too, man!”

 

Ares clapped his hands together, “Alright then, let’s get started!” He looked around the room, “You, yeah you with the tight ass and big boobs. Yeah, come on up here.” 

 

Both Gabrielle and Xena watched in shock as the buxom blonde strutted to the stage, “What the fuck is Callisto doing here?” 

 

“And your name is, honey?”

 

“Annie, Annie Coultopulous,” Xena’s eyes narrowed as she watched the vixen practically straddle Ares.

 

“Nice name, Annie. So,” his eyes wandered to the cleavage in front of him, “Tell me what do you think of the Chin’s demands for citizenship in Amerilos? They refuse to learn our language, yet they want to be citizens.”

 

Annie grinned evilly, "We should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to polytheism."

 

“Ohhh, I like that!”

 

Xena couldn’t believe what she was hearing! If anyone should be in charge, it should be her. She had the credentials after all. Callisto, or whatever she was calling herself, was nothing more than a crazy woman in a pretty wrapping. Someone had to stop this!

 

“What about the Corinth bridge?” Several people in the audience muttered. Stupid bridge. Waste of money. Why in that freakin’ loser neighborhood? Xena gave them all a deadly look, effectively shutting them up.

 

Annie looked shocked and caught off guard, “What? Is that some perverse idea of those boy-lovers in Athens? They’re destroying our society and our marriages!”

 

“No, it’s not,” Xena stepped up on the stage, “It’s the best damn idea this side of the Aegean, and I’m all for it! It’s for the good of the people and for the good of Amerilos. We should all gladly give of ourselves and our money to ensure its success.”

 

Hercules suddenly joined in, “And what makes you an expert on this matter?”

 

Xena raised an eyebrow at her former mentor, “For one, I was raised in Amphipolis, and I…,” she held her head high, “I can see Corinth from my house!”

 

Ares pushed Annie off the stage and raised their intertwined hands before the cheering crowd, “Welcome to the party, sweetcheeks.”

 

“Wait a minute, hold up!” Hercules bellowed over the crowd, “That’s not enough qualifications for being a running mate!”

 

Ares snapped his hand toward Hercules, “Oh yeah! Well, THAT ONE would have you thinking that something can come from nothing. That all we have to do is wish it, and it will be so. All this do good crap and helping out your fellow man. Puhleeze! We,” he motioned to his new, sexy running mate, “have the answers. My friends, you won’t feel a thing. We’ll take out the money as taxes. After all, you can’t miss what you never had, right?”

 

Xena slapped Ares on the back, knocking him forward, “That’s darn tootin’!” She winked at the crowd, making the men swoon.

 

In the back, no one heard Gabrielle pass out from shock.

Comments

[sofia-lindsay.livejournal.com]

OMG!! YOU DID IT!!!

I think I officially love you now!!

[androbard1364.livejournal.com]

Haha that was funny! XD And for a little bit I thought you was going to do some Ares/Joxer... but I'm glad you didn't!