calliopes_muse: (Default)

Title: What Now?

Fandom: Otalia

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: Not mine, they belong to CBS.

Spoilers: Yes, for all episodes this week.
A/N:  We'll this is the last of the drabbles.  I had meant to do more, but I just don't know if I have it in me.  Maybe I'll get away from the fic for a while and do some videos.  Eh...don't know.  Maybe I'll just take a break period.  Anyway, thanks for those that read my stuff.  I haven't put up many responses to comments, but please know I've deeply appreciated each and every one.



Part 5

 

In the stillness of my room, I could hear a sound, muffled and low, coming through the wall. I had prayed this pain would stop for you. I never meant to hurt you, us. I was so caught up in avoiding everything and shutting down my feelings, because that’s all I had ever done when I was young and raising Rafe. I didn’t get to be selfish or do anything without thinking of the consequences. It had become my shield of protection. My whole had been defined by putting others before myself, but when I stood at the front of that church, knowing the depth of your love for me and what self-sacrifice really meant, I realized I had lost my way. I had become the most selfish person I knew.

 

Why I had been running from you I didn’t really know, but I heard the sobs coming from your room, through the wall and ripping into my heart, and I knew the running was over. We were here now, in this house, with Emma and Rafe…somehow we’d figure this out, but first…first, I had to stop your pain.

 

I stood outside your door, hesitating on knocking.  Seeing you crying was going to break me and I knew it. Even the little bit of hurt you showed on the bench earlier, it made me have to reach out and touch you. I had to do something. So I knock with more confidence than I feel.

 

When you answer, I enter and you’re facing away from me curled up like a sick child on your bed. I go around and kneel down to face you and the look in your eyes makes me breathless. I can’t even describe it – it’s somewhere between spooked and ripped open – and you’re holding your breathe like you’re afraid of breaking the spell of the moment. Afraid I’ll bolt from the room. Maybe in another time with you I would have, but not now. Not anymore.

 

I stroke a tear from your cheek before speaking, “I don’t want you to talk. I just want you to listen, okay?” You hesitate, but then close your eyes and nod, so I continue. “I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to let myself appreciate the love you give me. I’ve never had to simply be with someone for no other reason than I wanted to. But I need you to hear this and hear this clearly…I love you, Olivia Spencer, and I want to be with you. Selfish or not, I want this. I want you. It’s not going to be easy, but we’ve got each other and we’ll be okay. I know we will.” 

 

You’re afraid to believe me. You look at me with such hope and disbelief and your tears cloud your mind. I know you can’t believe this is happening to you and to us, but it is and it’s astounding, amazing, and even miraculous. The tears start to come to my eyes too when it hits me how blessed I am. You’re still here. Even after all I’ve done…you are still here.

 

I need you to understand this, so you are sure that this wasn’t a dream or some strange hallucination brought on by all the stress. So, I make the move we’ve both been waiting for. I lean in and kiss you softly on the lips, our tears meeting and mixing on our lips. The moment and its intensity break both of us as you literally break down, like you did earlier in the cemetery, except this time we reach for each other and refuse to let go.


calliopes_muse: (Default)

Title: What Now?

Fandom: Otalia

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: Not mine, they belong to CBS.

Spoilers: YES for this week's upcoming episodes though there is NO WAY I could match the magnificent writing of the GL writers.

A/N: I don't know how many of these I'm going to do, but we'll see where it takes me.  Forgive me, it's kind of jumping around right now, and I'm changing POV's in each part.  If I was going to do this in any sort of rational order, this would be a regular fic, not a bunch of miscellaneous drabbles.  Oh, and more angst...sorry!

Part 4

The cold wind outside the church hits me hard and the tears slide easily down my face aided by the chilly air.  I make it about two blocks down the street before I feel a hand grab me and whip me around.  Blazing green eyes are boring into mine.

 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing, Natalia?  Get back in there before it’s too late.”  She’s pointing in the direction of the church and over her shoulder I can see half of the Cooper clan already on the front steps.

 

“No,” I look at her incredulous, “And how can you tell me to do that?  How can you just push me off on Frank Cooper when you’re in love with me?”

 

“Because you can’t do this.”

 

“And you know this, how?  Did you ever give me a chance?  No, you wait until the day of the wedding to tell me you’re in love with me and then you don’t give me a chance to respond.  I’m not the one who can’t do this, you are.”  It was a verbal slap, and I know it.  I felt the sting of it shake me to the core, and I can’t look at her.  I turn to walk away.

 

“Natalia, wait!”

 

I stop and turn back, “I’m going home, Liv.  We’ll talk there, okay?”

 

The tears fall down her face in earnest, but she musters a small nod of acknowledgement.  Somehow we’ll work this out, but we’ll do it at home…our home.

 

******

 

I let a few minutes pass, until I was sure she had found her way upstairs to her bedroom, before heading back inside.  I knew I wouldn’t sleep tonight.  The moments seemed to tick by endlessly.  If I was still and silent enough, I could hear the soft shuffling of her feet on the floor as she got ready for bed.

 

For a moment, all sounds stopped and then I heard it, a soft steady murmur like a muffled chant drifted through the wall.  I got up and walked to the far wall, pressing my hand against the cold, immovable object indicative of our situation, before resting my head there as well.

 

She was praying, and even though I couldn’t make out the words, I could hear the hesitation in her voice and the pauses she made to sniffle away her tears.  My heart broke and I wanted more than anything to walk through that wall and wrap her in my arms, make all the pain go away.  All of the pain I had caused.

 

She had been right.  I was scared of this.  It wasn’t the fear of loving her, and it certainly wasn’t about what people would think.  I had never let public opinion bother me.  It was my fear of letting her down, of not being good enough for someone like her.  The fear of inevitability ate at me because I was sure it was as much a guarantee that I’d break her heart as that the sun would rise.  How could I ask her to sacrifice all she believed in, all she held dear, for the inevitable chance that Olivia Spencer would break her heart?

 

It had been several long minutes that I rested there with my head against the wall.  I found myself lulling into a sort of wakeful sleep.  She was still praying, but her voice was stronger now.  The tears had subsided.  Her faith had amazed me on more than one occasion, and I had almost vicariously drawn strength from it.

 

Perhaps I had underestimated her ability to deal with this.  Perhaps she was stronger than I realized.  She was going to need it…for both of us.


 


calliopes_muse: (Default)

Title: What Now?

Fandom: Otalia

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: Not mine, they belong to CBS.

Spoilers: YES for next week's upcoming episodes.

A/N: I don't know how many of these I'm going to do, but we'll see where it takes me.  Forgive me, it's kind of jumping around right now, and I'm changing POV's in each part.  If I was going to do this in any sort of rational order, this would be a regular fic, not a bunch of miscellaneous drabbles.  Oh, and more angst...sorry!

 

Part 3

 

The grass around the stone monument was just starting to poke through the thaw of the snow. Life was starting again. Ironic that it would even come back in a graveyard. It’s more ironic on a day of new beginnings that I’m comforting myself here where life ends. It feels like mine’s over. It feels like I’m crawling into the dark, dank earth with Gus and curling up waiting for this to all be over.

 

I gave it all. I gave all the love I had in me, just like Sister Ann told me to do, but I feel emptier than ever. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I wasn’t supposed to fall for her. Instead of the love I should feel, a darkness seeps into my blood, making it boil. If I could I’d bury my hands in the ground and drag Gus up out of that grave and tell both him and Natalia to never darken my life again. It was because of him…and me, that Natalia is even here now. What would have been had I not made a play for him? Would I even be standing here now? Would Emma and I ever ended up in the farmhouse? So many what if’s.

 

The soft crunch of footsteps on ice barely registers, until I feel her hand on my elbow. I close my eyes at the soft touch, accepting this small token of friendship, tucking it away for those moments I’ll need them when this nightmare is over. One day I’ll walk Emma down an aisle much like this one day and remember this moment, this gentle touch.

 

She looks at me, the dark circles under her eyes telling me that she’s suffering too. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. If I hurt, that’s fine by me. I have survived pain and loss before, I can do it again. But you…this wasn’t supposed to happen to you. With renewed conviction I tell myself that I have to end this for both of us. If I don’t tell her, I can’t let go and if I can’t let go, she’ll never be free. If I don’t let her go, I’ll always be the albatross around her neck. The burden she’s unknowingly sharing against her will. If I can’t do this, if I can’t truly let her go, then I can’t say that I ever really loved her.

 

I take her hand in mine, feeling the warmth of her skin even as the late winter chill thaws my heart a little more. She does that to me. Breaks down my walls, softens me. I’ve been weak from the moment I called her and told her “I need you.” That needs grown stronger over time, and when I kissed her, I knew I had changed the path of our lives forever. Just like now, with the words I was going to say, I was shifting the path we were on, this uncertain road with a fork looming ahead. One path clear and unencumbered for her, the one that leads into the forest for me.

 

Tears sting my eyes, again. It seems I’m always crying these days or holding back the pain somehow. She’s concerned and tries to get me to sit on a bench nearby. I refuse and take her hands firmly in mine.

 

“This…this right here is why you deserve so much better than me. You’re good and kind and you worry about others always before yourself. You’re the complete opposite of everything I’ve ever been and probably ever will be.”

 

She shakes her head, sounding exasperated, “What…what are you talking about Olivia?”

 

I close my eyes, gathering my nerve, “You’ve given me the greatest gift - your friendship and your love. You’ve given it unselfishly and in doing that you taught me what it meant to love another completely. You opened my heart, and taught it to beat again. This love has astounded me, thrown me for a loop, frightened me beyond belief, but you hold steady in the storm. Always faithful.” I bowed my head and I could see my own hands shaking as they held hers, “Natalia, somewhere along the way, you stopped being just a friend and roommate and became the woman I fell in love with.”

 

She closes her eyes and I can see her sway. She pulls her hands away, and my world crashes down. She turns away, covering her mouth and then her eyes.  For about ten seconds, I can’t breathe as I wait for her to say or do something. I knew this would happen, but it had to be done so she understood the gravity of the situation, why it was so important that she follow through. When she turned, the resolve and determination that I had seen before, when we’d argue and fight, battled with the tears in her eyes.

 

“And you’re telling me this now? As I’m about to get married? Why?” The question was spoken on an angry whisper.

 

“It doesn’t matter why. Come on,” I try to shuffle her back to the church.

 

“No, we need to talk about this.”

 

“Look, you need to understand that what’s in that church right now, I can’t give you. I want to. God knows, I want to, but I can’t. You want to be happy? You want your ideal? Well, it’s right there,” the anger builds up in me, not at her, but the situation. “Now, there’s nothing to talk about, not anymore.” I turn from her, determined to cut the cord quickly, and practically sprint back to the church.

calliopes_muse: (Default)

Title: What Now?

Fandom: Otalia

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: Not mine, they belong to CBS.

Spoilers: For upcoming episodes, YES!!!.  If you don't want to be spoiled, don't read my fics.

A/N: This will probably be a series of drabbles helping me deal with the imminent WoD and its aftermath. I’ve never really done drabbles, but I have to get the emotions of this out there.  These actually may be more ficlets than drabbles, but whatever...

Part 1

Part 2

The day had flown by in a flash of satin and flowers. It didn’t feel real and now I know why…it wasn’t real. None of it, and when you said those words, “the woman I’m in love with,” I knew why none of this had felt right.

 

 

Then you practically shoved me down that aisle and Rafe nearly dragged me and everyone was smiling and happy and…there he was, perpetually happy and oblivious. I watched you walk up the aisle in front of me, and my heart tripped. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you and the thoughts that raced through my mind didn’t belong in a church. Yes, I glanced at them and him, but I always came back to you. Always.

 

This was not good.

 

My heart was pounding. Everyone was watching, and I couldn’t look at him. I could feel your eyes on me though. They burned into me even when I wasn’t looking, my body heated remembering the look in your eyes when you said those words “the woman I’m in love with.” Dear God. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. Jesus, I was frozen and those words kept running through my head “the woman I’m in love with.” 

 

Like some strange language that I couldn’t make sense of, I saw him talking. He was saying his vows, and I was frozen. Time was running out.

 

“Natalia?”   I couldn’t move.

 

“Natalia!” It was Doris, trying to get me to repeat the words. Then she gave me a look and glanced at Olivia… “the woman I’m in love with.”

 

I was about to say the words, too shocked to do anything else, when Mallet made some smartass comment about my hesitancy and Coopers always getting left at the altar, and Frank turned to him to tell him to shut up. I looked at him then, really looked at him, and saw the endless years ahead of me. I felt sick, not over him, but over what I had done to him and the Coopers and mostly Olivia. In my haste to stop my feelings for her, feelings I had explained away in hundreds of ways, I had hurt more people in the process. 

 

This was not good, but it was better than what could have been.

 

“I can’t do this.”

 

“What?” His boyishly enthusiastic smile fell.

 

“Don’t ask me to explain. Not yet.” I heard the cacophony of confusion behind me, lots of tears and a couple of curse words, and I heard her. She was calling me as I raced out the door into the crisp afternoon air, but I didn’t stop. I had to get home. I had to think.

calliopes_muse: (Default)

Title: What Now?

Fandom: Otalia

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: Not mine, they belong to CBS.

Spoilers: For upcoming episodes, yes.

A/N: This will probably be a series of drabbles helping me deal with the imminent WoD and its aftermath. I’ve never really done drabbles, but I have to get the emotions of this out there.

 

Part 1

 

I didn’t know what to do, how to console her or reach her. I made the tea and turned to head out to the bench where she was curled up, looking blankly out into the darkness. This had been an emotionally draining day for everyone, but no one probably more so than Natalia. I couldn’t help but stand here at the screen door looking at her defeated form, knowing I had caused this by opening my mouth.

 

I knew I should have just shut up. I never should have said anything and if I hadn’t, she’d be dancing at her wedding reception right now, and I’d probably be blitzed out of my mind. But here we were, probably more confused than ever. Okay, she was.  I was okay. I loved her, was in love with her, and I told her, changing everything between us. Hell, I’d tell Father Ray right now if he was standing here. I had felt the pain of self-denial, almost lost all that mattered, and I was tired of the pain. Now, we had to deal with a new kind of pain, and I wasn’t sure how to help her get through this because I didn’t understand it.

 

I walked around in front of her and reached out with the mug in my hand, “Thought you could use this.”

 

She didn’t say anything or even look at me, but she took the hot mug and curled up again. I sat down next to her, not sure what to say.

 

“Want to talk about it?”

 

She took so long to answer that I thought she didn’t hear me. I was about to get up to leave when she finally responded, her voice cracking, “Not right now. Later? I need time to think.” 

 

I hung my head, fighting the tears back that seemed to be endless for me these days, “Sure.”

 

A few minutes later, she stood silently and I was sure she was leaving me out on that cold bench alone, not wanting my presence any longer. She stopped next to me and even though I didn’t look up, I could feel her eyes pinning me down. Slowly, her fingers reached out and caressed my cheek, and I closed my eyes at the flood of relief that coursed through me. That simple touch was enough, for now. It was going to be a long road, but we were going to be okay.


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