Title: What Now?
Disclaimer: Not mine, they belong to CBS.
Spoilers: Yes, for all episodes this week.
A/N: We'll this is the last of the drabbles. I had meant to do more, but I just don't know if I have it in me. Maybe I'll get away from the fic for a while and do some videos. Eh...don't know. Maybe I'll just take a break period. Anyway, thanks for those that read my stuff. I haven't put up many responses to comments, but please know I've deeply appreciated each and every one.
In the stillness of my room, I could hear a sound, muffled and low, coming through the wall. I had prayed this pain would stop for you. I never meant to hurt you, us. I was so caught up in avoiding everything and shutting down my feelings, because that’s all I had ever done when I was young and raising Rafe. I didn’t get to be selfish or do anything without thinking of the consequences. It had become my shield of protection. My whole had been defined by putting others before myself, but when I stood at the front of that church, knowing the depth of your love for me and what self-sacrifice really meant, I realized I had lost my way. I had become the most selfish person I knew.
Why I had been running from you I didn’t really know, but I heard the sobs coming from your room, through the wall and ripping into my heart, and I knew the running was over. We were here now, in this house, with Emma and Rafe…somehow we’d figure this out, but first…first, I had to stop your pain.
I stood outside your door, hesitating on knocking. Seeing you crying was going to break me and I knew it. Even the little bit of hurt you showed on the bench earlier, it made me have to reach out and touch you. I had to do something. So I knock with more confidence than I feel.
When you answer, I enter and you’re facing away from me curled up like a sick child on your bed. I go around and kneel down to face you and the look in your eyes makes me breathless. I can’t even describe it – it’s somewhere between spooked and ripped open – and you’re holding your breathe like you’re afraid of breaking the spell of the moment. Afraid I’ll bolt from the room. Maybe in another time with you I would have, but not now. Not anymore.
I stroke a tear from your cheek before speaking, “I don’t want you to talk. I just want you to listen, okay?” You hesitate, but then close your eyes and nod, so I continue. “I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to let myself appreciate the love you give me. I’ve never had to simply be with someone for no other reason than I wanted to. But I need you to hear this and hear this clearly…I love you, Olivia Spencer, and I want to be with you. Selfish or not, I want this. I want you. It’s not going to be easy, but we’ve got each other and we’ll be okay. I know we will.”
You’re afraid to believe me. You look at me with such hope and disbelief and your tears cloud your mind. I know you can’t believe this is happening to you and to us, but it is and it’s astounding, amazing, and even miraculous. The tears start to come to my eyes too when it hits me how blessed I am. You’re still here. Even after all I’ve done…you are still here.
I need you to understand this, so you are sure that this wasn’t a dream or some strange hallucination brought on by all the stress. So, I make the move we’ve both been waiting for. I lean in and kiss you softly on the lips, our tears meeting and mixing on our lips. The moment and its intensity break both of us as you literally break down, like you did earlier in the cemetery, except this time we reach for each other and refuse to let go.