Taking a little break from Otalia.
This is for Sofia_Lindsay who needed some new CM fic.
Title: What We Don’t See
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: NC-17, pretty explicit
Spoilers: Season 4 finale
Disclaimer: They don’t belong to me. If they did Emily and JJ would SOOO be getting it on!
A/N: A femslashy take on what the Season 5 opener could be like. If you haven’t seen the S4 finale and don’t want to be spoiled, don’t read.
The corridor smelled of death and antiseptic cleanser. Emily hated the smell of hospitals, but she couldn’t leave…not yet, not while Hotch was in surgery and hanging by a thread. They still didn’t know who had done it since Hotch had never been conscious enough to give any clues, and they would have tried to piece together some clues but everyone was still too shell-shocked to function. She looked around the waiting room at her team, her family, and wondered again what it was all for. Was it all just a losing battle they’d never win? She slumped into a chair and lowered her head into her hands.
It could have been a few minutes or a few hours, she wasn’t sure, when the waiting room doors slid open. Everyone assumed it was the doctor, but it was JJ frantically moving toward Emily.
“What…what happened? Is he…is he okay?” She took the blonde’s shaking hands in her own and sat her down, brushing at the tears running down her face.
“Hey, it’s okay. Calm down, take a deep breath.” JJ took in a deep shaky breath and tried to relax, but as soon as the moment passed, the sobs hit her harder.
Emily took her in her arms, while Garcia rubbed her gently on the back. Emily whispered in her ear, “It’s gonna be fine. He’s in surgery so it’s gonna be a while. We just need to try to be calm.”
“Yeah, Hotch’ll be fine. He’s tough,” Morgan did his best to be lighthearted over the situation, but Emily saw the tensing of his jaw and knew he wanted to hit something or someone.
“You know, statistics show that 72% of all head wounds end up causing damage even if the person lives.”
JJ started crying anew and Emily turned and glared, “Not helping, Reid.”
He hung his head, “Sorry.”
Several hours later, the doors to the room opened again and a man in green scrubs walked through rubbing his eyes.
“Doc, what’s the news?” Morgan was the first on his feet.
“It’s too soon to tell, but he made it through the surgery and we got the bullet,” he looked right at Morgan, “I made sure to put it directly in a sterile bag so you can have it tested, just like you requested.”
JJ looked up with bloodshot eyes, the dark circles under her eyes easily adding ten years to her, “When can we see him?”
“It may be a couple of hours. We need to get him set up in ICU and make sure he’s stabilized. He won’t be able to have a lot of overstimulation so don’t bombard him with questions, and in fact, I’ll only be able to allow a couple of you in there at a time. This would be a good time to go get something to eat, maybe even run home for a shower or something. We’ll call you if anything changes.” The doctor turned and left, but everyone else simply sat back down.
The rush of the adrenaline quickly wore off and slowly each person drifted off to sleep in their chairs. Emily was the first to shake herself from slumber and she felt JJ’s hand in hers. Her dark eyes caught Garcia’s across the way and she got a wink and smile. In spite of the circumstances, Emily smiled back. She and JJ hadn’t really tried to hide their relationship from the team and figured it would all come out in the open the way it was supposed to. Emily never worried about how anyone would react, certainly not Garcia.
The brunette gently shook the blonde head on her shoulder, “Hey, you want some coffee?”
The rest of the team started to stir at the sound of Emily’s muffled voice, “Sure.”
Emily looked around, “Anyone else?”
All hands went up and Emily smiled. She really loved these guys. She looked back at her girlfriend, who didn’t looked as rested as she’d have thought after that hard nap, “You wanna come help me?”
“Actually, I think I’ll stay here in case we get to see him.”
Emily shrugged, “Okay.”
“I’ll go with you. I need to move some anyway. These chairs are horrible.” Garcia was on her feet and already headed to the door.
The two friends walked silently to the elevators and Garcia kept glancing sideways at Emily and smirking, “Don’t say it, Garcia!”
“What? What was I gonna say?”
Emily turned to her as she punched the button, “I don’t know but whatever it was don’t say it.”
“Fine.” They walked through the doors when they opened and when Garcia turned, she smacked Emily on the arm…hard.
“Ow! What was that for?”
“That…was for not telling me.”
When Emily and Garcia came back, the waiting room was empty. She walked over to the nurse’s station and carefully set her three coffees on the counter.
“Excuse me,” when the nurse finally looked up, she continued, “is there any news on Aaron Hotchner? Are we able to see him now?”
“Oh yes, he’s out and in ICU now,” the nurse went back to work as if that explained everything.
“And that is…?”
“Oh yes, sorry…third floor.”
When they got to the ICU, Emily once again asked for information and got it. They walked around the corner and saw Morgan and Reid standing in the hallway. She handed off the coffees to each, leaving Garcia with one for JJ.
“Well?” Garcia asked.
Morgan shrugged, “He’s not awake yet, but he’s stable enough for us to be in there a few minutes at a time. They asked that we not make loud noises. They said if he’s still stable after 24 hours that they’ll put him in his own room.”
“And JJ?” Emily made a meaningless gesture to look over Morgan’s shoulder. There was nothing she could see anyway with the curtains drawn.
“She’s with him. First one. Oh, and Rossi just called a few minutes ago. His plane landed so he should be here within the hour.” Emily nodded her head.
She waited for a few minutes before feeling the itch to get it over with. God, she really hated hospitals, “I thought the doctor said we could go in two at a time.”
Morgan quickly swallowed his coffee to answer, “Yeah, we can. She asked to go in alone.”
Emily gave him a perplexed look and she could feel Garcia glance at her, “Oh, yeah. That’s understandable.”
All of them were upset, worried, frantic, and JJ spent a lot of time running cases by Hotch for consideration so it was only natural she was feeling hit a bit harder by the situation. Emily could only hope for his recovery to be quick so the team could get back on the case and bring down the asshole that did this. It was the general assumption of the team that it was probably an unsub he had brought down at one time or perhaps missed, that decided to take out Hotch. With all the years and cases that Hotch had dealt with though, the list of possible suspects was long. They couldn’t even rule out family of the unsubs. Emily rubbed her forehead at the headache building. She knew this situation they found themselves in was far from over, it was only just beginning.
When JJ finally did come out a few minutes later, she tried to crack an ineffective smile at Emily. She sat down across from her and took the now lukewarm coffee from Garcia.
“You okay?” With the guys in with Hotch and only Garcia, who now as privy to their secret, sitting there, Emily reached over to put her hand on JJ’s knee.
JJ slid back in the chair out of Emily’s reach, the half smile not quite reaching her eyes, “Yeah…yeah, I’m fine.”
Emily leaned back in her chair, studying JJ. It was clear she was far more affected by what was going on than her words said. Her arms were wrapped around her, her legs were crossed, and she barely would look up to make eye contact with either her or Garcia. The worry stirred inside Emily, making her stomach knot. It was obvious that JJ was upset, easily noticeable to a team of profilers, but it was like a part of their code that they didn’t confront each other about it. As if by mutual understanding, they all left JJ to her thoughts.
The hours slowly passed. Rossi did show up and was the last one to see Hotch. When he came out, it was decided that they’d take turns staying at the hospital and if anything changed, at least one of them would be there to get the word quickly to the team. Morgan agreed to first rounds, Reid second, Garcia third and so forth.
When it came time for JJ, she stood and looked at everyone, “I’m not leaving. I’ll just stay.”
“You need to sleep too, just like the rest of us,” Emily tried to coax her girlfriend into being rational.
“Think of it as backup. Someone needs to take a break or a nap or something, I’ll be here.”
“But who’s gonna backup you? You can’t stay awake forever or not go to the bathroom or…,” Emily again tried to rationalize.
“I’ll be fine,” JJ snapped, finally looking at Emily, her blue eyes blazing with determination.
“Alright…fine. I’ll see you tonight then for my shift.” Emily walked off and JJ closed her eyes when Emily brushed her walking by.
Emily had changed into some comfortable non-work clothes, a well-worn pair of jeans and an old AC/DC concert t-shirt that had seen better days. It was her favorite though so protocol be damned. JJ and Rossi were chatting quietly in the hallway when she walked up.
“Hey, any news?”
Rossi stood and stretched his back, “Not yet. He hasn’t stirred at all.”
Emily’s face fell. She wasn’t a medical professional, but she knew the longer he was out the lower the odds were for him to come out of it. With a sigh and a fake smile, she patted Rossi on the arm and thanked him.
When he was out of earshot, she turned to JJ who was barely able to stand, “You should at least take a nap.”
JJ shook her head, “Look, I’m sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”
“It’s understandable. We’re all stressed out,” Emily sat down in a chair and JJ joined her. She watched as JJ reached over and took her hand. Emily may have hated hospitals, but it seemed like it was at hospitals where her and JJ always seemed to connect best. The first time they had held hands was when Garcia was shot, and it was also the first time Emily really realized just how in love she was with JJ.
JJ seemed to be lost in her thoughts as she gently stroked the soft skin on the back of Emily’s hand. It was hard for Emily to not facilitate JJ taking a nap or even pushing her to go home. But little by little, JJ’s head drifted toward her shoulder. Within thirty minutes, JJ was sound asleep on Emily. Emily relaxed into the chair, careful not to jossle JJ, and a short time later, she fell asleep as well.
Emily was awakened by a gentle shake to her shoulder and when she opened her eyes, she was temporarily disoriented. She had fallen asleep so hard that she didn’t realize where she was at. The blonde next to her stirred and rubbed her eyes as she yawned.
The disorientation was evident on her face too until she focused on the nurse in front of them. When it struck her where they were, she jumped from her seat, “Any news?”
“I’m sorry. Nothing yet. I was just going to let you know that it’s visiting hours so you can go in.”
Emily noticed the sad look on JJ’s face and when the nurse was gone, she wrapped her in her arms, “Don’t worry, he’ll come around.”
JJ nodded into her shoulder. Emily pulled back a little, “Tell you what, you go ahead and go visit him. I’ll go get us something to eat.”
Another half-hearted smile was awarded to Emily for her efforts, “That sounds good.”
“All right, I’ll be back in a bit,” she leaned over to kiss JJ and was surprised when she got her cheek instead of her lips. She mused to herself that when the hand-eye coordination goes, coffee is definitely needed.
Emily rounded the corner with a baggie of sugary treats. She found it ironic that a hospital would even allow such horridly unhealthy food on the premises. JJ wasn’t in the hallway so Emily put down the food on a chair and poked her head through the curtain. Before she could get the words past her mouth, she stopped in her tracks, rooted to the spot.
Less than ten feet away was her girlfriend leaning over Hotch and giving him a kiss.
She was rooted to the spot and couldn’t move, the chill running through her blood paralyzing her. She couldn’t hear the words, whispered softly in Hotch’s ear, but she saw the tears flowing down JJ’s face. When JJ moved to place another kiss to his cheek, a painful wave of nausea rolled up into Emily’s throat making her gag.
JJ turned, and seeing the knowing look on Emily’s face, jumped from her spot next to Hotch. JJ’s attempt to reach out to her finally broke the trance Emily was under and she jerked away. As fast as her feet could carry her, she walked down the hall, trying to hold her head high and not cry. She could hear the click of JJ’s heels behind her so she picked up the pace. She couldn’t wait for the elevator so she barreled through the first set of stairwell doors she could find.
“Emily!” But she kept moving, two flights to go.
“Emily, stop. Let me explain.” One more flight. JJ was closer now.
“I said, stop,” she grabbed Emily’s arm and spun her around, “Please, let me explain.”
Emily jerked her arm away, “There’s nothing to explain. It’s pretty obvious actually.”
“It’s not what you think.”
Emily threw up her arms, her dark eyes shimmering with unshed tears, “Fine, what is it then?”
JJ was taken aback, not really expecting Emily to want to hear her explanation, “It’s…it WAS just…”
“Just what? Come on, JJ, don’t get shy now. Say it!” Emily’s hurt was quickly turning to anger. If JJ had the nerve to chase her down and ask to explain, then she damn well be ready to fess up and explain.
JJ leveled harsh green eyes on her, “It was just sex, okay? That’s all.”
Emily quirked an eyebrow at her, “Just sex. And that’s supposed to make it better somehow? So, when did this happen?”
JJ’s eyes grew wide, “Um, a long time ago.”
Emily didn’t like the response and she fought the shiver running down her spine. She crossed her arms and got into JJ’s personal space, her voice dangerously low, “How long ago?”
JJ gulped, trying to think quick on her feet and realizing the longer the delay, the worse the impression, “Around the time we started dating.”
Emily closed her eyes and shook her head, before turning to leave. For her, the conversation was over. Nothing left to say.
“Emily, please!” She opened the door heading outside and slammed it shut on the blonde crying behind her.
The bottle of merlot was empty, but it did nothing to ease the anger boiling just underneath the surface for Emily. She fought the urge to put her fist through the large floor-to-ceiling window in front of her. She rationalized that she’d prefer to put JJ through it right about now, and the perverse thrill that ran through her at the image of it calmed her…a little.
She knew she wouldn’t sleep tonight, but certainly a shower would make her feel less used and dirty. Twenty minutes later, she descended the stairs and came face-to-face with JJ standing by those same windows as before. An evil smirk flashed across her face before she mentally pushed it away. As angry as she was, she still felt a twinge of hurt twist in her heart at what’s happened.
She just didn’t see this coming and as a profiler, she mentally berated herself for being so oblivious. No, not oblivious…just blindly in love, and she thought JJ had been too.
Emily wouldn’t come close to her. Instead, she moved around the other side of the living room and headed to the kitchen, instinctively grabbing another bottle of wine. She knew it was stupid. She didn’t need anymore to drink, but she had a feeling she wouldn’t want to do anything but forget tonight ever happened in a little while.
“You need to leave.”
“Why?” JJ’s voice was steely and determined.
Emily slammed down the bottle, astounded at the arrogance JJ displayed, “Why do you think you have a right to stay? You slept with Hotch. You don’t have a right to come in and demand that I listen to your excuses.”
JJ was over to her in a flash, desperately gripping at her hands, trying to get her to pay attention and to listen, “Emily, please. I love you. I know I do and you know it too. That thing with Hotch was a mistake and it was way back at the beginning. You remember what I was like. I was all messed up and confused. I was scared of what was happening between us and I wanted you, needed you so bad. I did something stupid out of fear. Nothing else ever happened between us, I swear.”
The brunette shook her head and pulled her hands away so she could get out of the kitchen. It was all too logical and right now, she didn’t feel like being logical or listening or letting any of this make sense. All she wanted was…she turned back to JJ, seeing her like she did the first time JJ told her she loved her, broken, scared and crying. All Emily wanted was…goddamn it!!!
Before common sense overroad her brain, Emily found herself pressing JJ against the wall, kissing her hard and deep. JJ moaned and bucked her hips against Emily, the motion setting off a primal force in Emily.
She ripped at the opening of JJ’s blue shirt, buttons flying and clattering around the room. Her mouth moved swiftly from JJ’s mouth to her neck, biting hard against the pulsing vein she found there. JJ gasped and struggled against her then wrapped her fingers tightly in Emily’s dark hair, pulling and tugging, then pushing away.
“Oh fuck, Emily!!!” JJ growled as Emily scraped her teeth along JJ’s collarbone and worked her way to the other side of JJ’s neck, dishing out the same torturous punishment there.
She growled into JJ’s ear, “Is that what you want? Do you want me to fuck you?”
JJ’s low, raspy whisper was needy and desperate, sending a jolt through Emily, “Yes, Emily. God, yes, fuck me…hard.”
Emily continued the assault on JJ’s neck and quickly worked her way down the smooth white skin of her chest until she took a hard nipple in her teeth, biting and sucking with more force than necessary. Her fingers wasted now time undoing the fly of her pants and pushing them to her ankles. JJ struggled to kick off her heels and pants, until finally she was half-naked and pinned to the wall by Emily’s body.
Without hesitation, Emily kicked JJ’s legs apart and pushed three fingers inside.
“Fuck! Oh fuck!” JJ’s head fell back hard against the wall, but neither noticed as Emily’s fingers twisted and pounded into JJ. Emily lifted JJ’s leg up and around her waist, spreading her wider and allowing a fourth finger to easily slide in.
Emily raised up, stretching her body along JJ’s, using her weight to hold the blonde up. She braced one hand against the wall behind JJ and let her mind and body focus completely on what her hand was doing to JJ. She knew she could quickly end it with a single flick of her thumb across JJ’s clit, but she needed JJ like this for just a little bit longer. She needed to memorize the feel of JJ against her, her smell, the shape of her body, the muscles as they tightened and released around her fingers.
Emily nuzzled her face into JJ’s neck, the scent of her jasmine shampoo, finally breaking Emily’s emotional dam of hurt and anger. The tears burned hot against her heated cheeks and she couldn’t let JJ see her like this. A cry of frustration forced its way through Emily’s throat and she upped the tempo of her relentless fingers. JJ was digging at her now, leaving welps on Emily’s shoulders, arms, and back. She begged for release, but Emily kept pushing and pushing and pushing until…
“OH GOD!!!” JJ bowed and rocked her hips hard and fast against Emily’s invading fingers, the orgasm blindsiding her with its force.
JJ watched as Emily leaned back and looked at her. She moved in to kiss her, but Emily pulled away from her completely. She bent over and picked up JJ’s pants, handing them to her. JJ looked at her confused.
“It was just sex.”
She watched shocked as Emily walked up the stairs and closed her bedroom door, the silence broken by the sound of running water as Emily started another shower.